Deep In To Your Door...

Deep In To Your Door...

Hanzzzzz

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NIGHT~MARE

[Dec. 19th, 2005|07:58 am]

[	mood	\|	scared	]
[	music	\|	My strange, stinging thoughts...	]

CAUTION:LONG ONE
I just woke up.
I had a night~mare...

It was insanely vivid, explicit and all too clear.
Scary as shit too.

Especially since i remember it PERFECTLY:

I woke up one morning, to my mother telling me that Taylor (my new girlfriend of whom i am extremely fond) had paid me a surprise visit. Filled with great joy i hurried down the surreal stairs of my abnormally large house.
I didn't see her in the house, so i knew she was outside.
I heard some vague whisper of anger, or "upset"...
I saw her across the distorted street and ran to her.
She, arms folded, face sad or, no, more, it was distraught.
She began to run from me.
I calling after "wait! wait! what's wrong?" or some thing along those lines...
She kept running.
But then she turned.
We didn't speak, but i heard voices
Talking about lesbianism?
"Tis strange when a man and a woman..." My mind fails me, damned conscious! release the energies of my unconscious, if only that i may observe them! "but stranger still when a woman loves an other!"

Interestingly enough, though i see no connexion, i am reminded of a passage from "Thus Spole Zarathustra" that i had just read, about women ('On little and old women', i think it was), which was unfairly critical of them i thought and i slept already upset: I think i just found the origin of my night~mare...

Returning, i somehow came to the realisation, if all too suddenly, that she was a lesbian, that she had no love for me at all...
Suddenly, without any warning other than her countenance or her eyes, she turned on me.
She attacked me!
She got into some car (it was white, it was an older car... a beetle, perhaps?) and tried to run me over!
She drove up the stairs outside my house and smashed at every corner with a wild screech and scream. She had become a vicious, murderous a maenad.
I started screaming for help.
Confused, scared, feelig helpless, i ran.
She drove down and tried to run me over again, but (only in a dream) i jumped over the car, turned around, and ran into my garage (where there's a sorry excuse for an elevator)
I was still screaming for help.
She was chasing after me yelling "No, no you don't" "You're not getting away" "not like that, not that easily" A voice, that i did not, could not recognise as hers...
To every cry of hers i hurried, i panicked, even though the garage doors were shut...
But she opened one, the one on the far left that can be opened, that i showed her...
As she walked in i threw my sister's plaything at her along with screams of "I never should have shown you that door!"
I managed to get into the elevator, shut it, and hit the button.
I could still hear 'her' outside... screaming the same "you're not getting away"... feeling the same terror...
I knew i had to get to my mother, as she was the only one in the house, the only person i could go to.
I got into my house, transformed though strangely familiar in a surreal, fearful, Dali~like way...
I ran up and down the stairs for my mother, screaming "MOM!"
She was nowhere...
The light was dim. There was someone in the house, and i was alone. Protected by nothing... I had not even the power to defend my self...
Only to run, and hide, and try to escape...
By this time i had somehow come to the conclusion that it was no longer Taylor who was trying to kill me, but my own ten year-old sister!
The change in personality did not have affect on my interpretation.
I was as scared, and panicked as much as with Taylor.
The only difference was location.
I went into my room where i last saw her, into my bathroom where i had distinctions of her scrubbing, but it was empty, no one there, but a cheap yellow light over the tub. No bulb, just a light.
I ran out.
I grabbed a book or heavy magasine upstairs and started down, all my time at home i heard no screams, but i knew, i sensed the danger.
I stumbled down my stairs and saw a light from under the closed door of my room...
Did i close the door?
I didn't even wait to think, i ran in, into the bathroom and threw it into the tub half expecting to see some one, only to be disapointed, but more relieved, that there was none to be found.
I left, seeing that it was i, in fact, who had shut that door...

Whether due to memory or thinking, i found my self transported.
This time, i was in a car, with my 2nd cousin and close friend Dariush (or Julien, however you like)
We were driving, i felt a momentary stillness...
Alas, it was not to be.
A crazed, mad, black woman started chasing us.
She was large, bigger than any of us, angry, and had many masculine features.
She now, was attacking us.
She was attacking Darush, mainly, i sensed, but i knew that i was just as good a target as he.
I knew somehow she was upset for relational reasons... She had intercourse or contact with him, and was upset for some reason... perhaps a lack of care? of response? of effort? whatever the reason, she was crased and a killer...
At least now there was an "us" and this "she" was not so close or familiar to me.
Still, an inherent terror and fear persisted.
We drove away, which gave distance, but this was no comfort ot me.
We stopped at some "bar" ?
And i rememeber acting like a horse, and then Python~esquely trotting then dismounting my invisible horse (my self?)
I entered the bar.
I found it filled only with men. Cowboy~like, hat, boot and beard wearing cowboys...
Except for her, she was already inside and looking at us.
We ran immediately and i jumped into some convertible my friend had just then stolen.

I never bothered to ask or think "Why?" my friend would involve him self with such a person...
But the male figure was constantly transforming, between my friend and my father and other men that i am close to.

But we ran, we drove away, followed closely by her...
We were in the city.
We were at some subway? or train station?
We somehow managed to excape her. She was in an ambulance and i saw glances of her (leaving? or following?) as we proceeded in the station.
There were many people in the city.
People everywhere.
None ever bothered even turning their heads.
I wonder if they even had faces?
We were in front of many trains passing, all in the same direction.
I was still afraid of her.
But i sensed a new fear in these trains.
A natural one, as i thought, for if i stayed to close i would be run over.

But i saw my friend, now with package or luggage, simply walk through it, as though it were a hologram.
I thought that these were tests, given to people so they would not run into, or at least be more careful with the real train.
Do not expect good reasoning from the unconscious... but perhaps...
Even so, i was still fearful of these apparitions, of these trains.
I traversed, to find my friend helping beautiful women with toilet paper patching up parts of a system or wall or pillar...
I was lost again.
But not so terribly.
The fear had seeped away...
I left to see me transported once more.
This time, into a small, no, medium sized room with two other guys.
My friend Darish, and his friend (who i recognised as Camren? Cammeron? i have no idea...)
There i was safe.
I felt alright, good even.
We talked, and mostly laughed and joked.
There was a kicking under the door.
A distastefully colored pop-tart of sorts was kicked over.
I felt it was from one of these women.
So i kicked it back, fearlessly.
It kept coming, and i kept kicking.
I had no fear now.
I opened the door, to find the head of the black woman slink away behind a corner.
But instead a rather feminine, fat indian boy with spiked hair and red, teary eyes greeted my visions. He was sad, upset, telling em that he had written "Do you know what you did?' or "Do you know why i am sad" with "yes/no" on the pop-tart in black marker.
I defended my self profusely, explaining that i saw no such writings and that i was hasty and impatient. This i said in an apologetic, pitying, regretful manner.
I was about to apologise too, with other familiar women in the backround, as he cut me short and said he had to "tinckle" and left for the boy's room...

After this, be it by memory or mind, i have no recollection.
I awoke.
Remembering every episode i relive the feeling and emotions present therein.
Fear,a strange, unkown, fear. Terrible in its incognability, doestructive in its capability. Among the other ones i explained of course, though this one was most distinct...

ANALASYS:
The women chasing me in anger and retribution and hate were not in fact distinct people, but a representation for a larger sum.
All the women i was close to.
Or better, all the women i felt equal to.
(Perhaps all women? but i find the above better suited)
Whether i like it or not, my uncoscious feels me equal to these people. To Taylor my dearest, to Allegra my sibling, and to all the strange but intimidating women of second hand connaissance...
All of them hate me.
All of them want to kill me.
This is pure, neurotic paranoia.
I showed them ways, i welcomed them, i loved them, i cared for them, and such is their thanks.
Remember? the door i showed Taylor? the one she used to chase and nearly catch and kill me...
My feare of them is equal to their hate of my person.
I am weakened, disabled, powerless, paralysed in their wake. I can do nothing to them. I could do nothing to them. They had all power.

Running to the comfort of my mother, who the psyche perceives as vastly superior, i was let down. She was nowhere to be found. Though not directly against me, she was perhaps in League with these other strogn women? Or perhaps they had taken her. I felt the latter in the dream, but seem to discern the first in analasis.

Each gave me different representations for familiarity.
In the neighborhood, in the outside, it was Taylor, my girlfriend.
In my house it was Allegra, my sister, my family.
In the city, surrounded by strangers, it was the intimidating woman.
And finally, in the company of men, it was the effeminate man, who i perceive perhaps as gay, or homosexual.

With the men of platonic natures i was safe. That was a representation of all the men that are close to me that i have no sexual feelings for and that have no sexual feelings for me (remember, unconscious).
With them i joked, i laughed, i was happy and secure.

The trains puzzled me.
But i think it could be an analogy for life?
The imaginary trains, though perceived, are harmless. They are risks we take as everyday. Ones we may travers safely, though perhaps warnings in preperation for the "big train" of final demise or serious change. I was afraid of them all. I could not approach any of them.
Fear of change? Fear of risk?
Both, probably.

There's probabaly a lot more, but i'm no 'head-shrinker'...

I feel a lot better now.
In fact, i think i may blame the whole thing on that stupid passage from Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

'When going to women, don't forgtet the whip!'
'Women this, women that'
'Woman in love there is no more dangerous'
'Woman in hate is just as'
Damn it...
Read it, if you like.
Or ask and i'll type it up...

But i'm done now, farewell Seattle, and good mental health to you all...

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